on Trusting God {Even when it’s Hard}

Trusting God is something I’m really not very good at, and most of the time, I’d rather just run my own life and tell Jesus to back off.

Life is hard right now. ‘Stuff’ keeps getting in the way of my relationship with Jesus, and this ‘stuff’ can sometimes make trusting really difficult, and quite unappealing. There’s one particular issue that’s been on my heart for a couple of months now, and I can hear God whispering to me that I need to trust Him, and my response is always the same.

“I can’t. It’s just too hard.”

Because I’m human. I’m afraid of having my heart broken, and I’m afraid of being let down. Because that’s what humans do – they let us down. But we’re not talking about a human here. We’re talking about God who created the heavens and the earth (Genesis 1). God who is the author and perfecter of our faith (Hebrews 12:2). God who came to save us (2 Samuel 22:47).

As I was writing this, I was praying that God would help me put some of my thoughts onto paper, but as He started guiding me through this, my distrust came back and I didn’t want Him to lead me through it anymore. Because that means being vulnerable. And, in my experience, being vulnerable ultimately leads to getting hurt. So for me, trusting God is hard more times than it is easy.

So. Back to this thing that’s been on my heart. I began praying about a particular situation a couple of months ago and, for a little while, I was completely sure that God had given me an answer. But not very much happened, and I could feel my trust in God being to break away again. I got a wonderful text from a friend a couple of days later with a beautiful verse of scripture.

God is no mere human!

He does not tell likes

Or change His mind.

God always keeps His promises.

-Numbers 23:19.

Said special friend called me last night after I had a mini faith-meltdown on Twitter. She reminded me that God didn’t create us and then leave us to get on with it, and then watch from a distance when it all goes horribly wrong. He’s walking this life with us. He’s our everlasting Father (Isaiah 9:6) who wants to bless us and give us good gifts  (Luke 11:11-13).

Looking back, even over the last three years, I can see so many times where I prayed outrageous prayers and God came through for me. God has proved himself to be faithful over and over and over again, even though I don’t always trust Him, and that’s what really blows me away. God knows my insecurities, and He knows the desires of my heart. But above all of this, He knows what I need, even when I don’t.

The prayer I find myself praying the most is “God, I want to trust You, but I can’t. I want to want Your will to be done, but I also want my will to be done.” And then humbly, time after time after time, I ask for His help. To trust in Him and to allow Him to help me grow. And, because He loves me, He does. And above that, He can handle my insecurities. God doesn’t panic when I find it hard to trust Him, or when I don’t believe that He’s got my best interests at heart, or when I don’t trust His promises. God can handle my doubts and insecurities, because He made me, and He’s shaping me and growing me into the person He wants me to be. And honestly, this is where I’m at right now. It’s hard, but I’m learning to pray in faith {and on the good days, I even trust God for some of the big things, as well as the little things!}.

I’m still muddling through whether God said yes or no to my prayers, and it is painful and uncertain and I would really just like Him to walk into my bedroom and give me all the answers. But that’s probably not going to happen, so He’s teaching m to trust. One day at a time, one thing at a time. And I love Him for it.

“If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer” – Matthew 21:22